The First Day of School: Conquering Chaos by Creating Calm

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The first day of school can be both exciting and anxiety provoking for kids and parents. This is especially evident if your child is transitioning to a new school. Making the move from elementary school to middle school can be particularly stressful.

With a little organization and pre-planning however, you can conquer the chaos and create a calm, well, calmer environment than the maddening mayhem you usually experience.

Here’s some hints on how:

1.)  A day or two before the first day do a backpack check list. This is not only a great way to ensure that your kids have everything they need, it is also a way to offer individual reassurance to each child that he is indeed prepared to face the first day of school. The key to this task is to do this with your child. The individual attention will contribute to creating calm.

2.)  Insist that your kids pick out their first day of school outfits well before the first morning. The last thing you need is your tween tromping through the house looking through the laundry for the shirt she ‘must wear’ on the first day of school. Never mind the fact that she hasn’t seen it since last September!

3.)  Pre-pack lunches the night before. Every second counts on that first day of school. If your kids are going to be buying lunch, be sure they have enough money and that they stash the cash in a safe place.

4.)  In the words of Winston Churchill; “Keep calm and carry on.” Anxiety begets anxiety. Your kids tend to look to you when they are feeling unsettled. The calmer you keep the more cool and collected they will respond.

5.)  Remember, routine requires repetition. Although the first day may feel a bit like a frenzied free-for-all, tomorrow is another day. You will be back in the swing of things in no time.

It is hard to believe another summer has come to a close. With a few simple adjustments, the first day back to school can be both calm and carefree. It is amazing that a little organization and preplanning can truly conquer the chaos that often characterizes this important day.

Back to School Means Back to Rules: Helping Your Kids Keep Their Cool

Getting back to school requires a lot of preparation. As a parent you realize that it is important to transition your kids back to the school year routine. Your kids however, may be resistant to giving up their lazy days of summer. They might not quite agree with your vision of smoothly transition back to the school year mindset. In fact they may experience these attempts some what like an abrupt flick of a switch. One day it is one way, the next day it is another.

The way they see it:

Last week they were allowed to stay up to watch that television program. This week they can't

The way you see it:

They need their sleep to get ready for school. They can DVR that program.

The way they see it:

Last week you let them lounge around the house in their pajamas. This week you keep nagging them to get dressed.

The way you see it:

They should get dressed because there is  much to do before school starts.

The way they see it:

Last week you were okay with their messy room. This week you are walking around doing the ‘white glove’ test.

The way you see it:

A clean room is the first step toward getting organized. Besides, maybe they will find last year's backpacks in there.

The way they see it:

Last week they could stay out late even during the week. This week, they can only go out on weekends and they have a curfew.

The way you see it:

The summer is over. They need to get back to the school year routine.

And the list goes on….

So, how can you help them experience the transition a bit smoother? Here are some thoughts:

v  Let them know changes are coming. Before you switch up the rules, sit down with your kids and discuss the plan. Encourage them to offer their suggestions about preparing for back to school.

v  Be specific. Let them know when the rules will be changing over.

v  Writing it down makes it real. It is important to post the rules in a common area. This should reduce conflict, concern and disagreement regarding the changes.

v  Be patient. The end of summer can be difficult. For your kids it is like going back to work after a long vacation. Keep calm, cool and collected yet firm, the switch over will go as smooth as possible.

v  Emphasize the positive by starting a back to school tradition (if you don’t already have one).  In our house we start the school year off with a ‘baking frenzy.’

Of course back to school brings so many positives with it, highlighting a few of these will help summer seem like a mere memory.

Middle School Madness

As the summer draws to a close it is already time to start thinking about back to school. Here in the Northeast we still have a few more weeks of rest and relaxation. My friends in the South however, have already welcomed their kids back from camp and are preparing for the beginning of another school year.

For most kids the majority of their tweenage years are spent in Middle School. I have always appreciated and even envied my friends who’s kids did not have to make that transition due to K-8 schools or home schooling.

Talk to a teen in the thick of their high school years and most of them will indeed tell you ‘Middle school sucked!’ The good news however, is that this revelation usual comes on reflection back on the time, not during the experience.

‘Why do teens say middle school sucks,’ you are perhaps wondering. Well, much of the reasoning has to do with plain old developmental factors. Between the ages of around 11-14 the majority of kids go through major developmental changes. Many of those changes are obvious some are not. Their physique changes as they hit puberty. While these days we tend to well prepare our kids for these changes with parent talks and in health classes, many of our kids experience feelings of uncertainty and even discomfort regarding these changes.

I have heard many describe the Middle School years as the ‘mean’ years. Research tells us that bullying is indeed at an all-time high for kids during this period in their lives. In reality this is no coincidence. As our children begin the search for self which will lead them through tweenhood, teenhood and eventually on to young adulthood, they can initially feel insecure and unsure of who they are and who they want to be.

For many tweens this insecurity leaves them searching for ways to affirm and empower themselves. Unfortunately their immature minds sometimes lead them back to the basics of those in power and those who feel powerless. This struggle can play itself out in the catty conversations you can often hear play out if you walk the halls of middle school in between classes when kids are at their lockers or take  walk into the cafeteria at lunch time.

Few tweens are shielded from this banal banter. Although the intent is certainly not to be mean spirited it can often be perceived this way. Comments about what other kids are wearing, doing and saying are indeed the norm. I would welcome the opportunity to meet the parent who can honestly report that their tween has never engaged with their friends is this type of talk.

It is part of development. Of course there are extremes. The good news is that you have taught your tweens well. The majority of them will rarely take this talk out of their circle of friends with the intent of hurting another peer. Although on occasion there is the some ‘drama’ as the kids refer to it aka plain old bully like behavior.

You know the drill. One friend says something about a mutual friend to another friend and the second friend runs and tells the first friend. Better judgment would suggest that telling the friend that he/she is being talked about is hurtful and certainly not helpful as the second friend may contend. This type of behavior does however reflect the lack of perspective taking tweens tend to utilize. It is not that they are unable to use this type of foresight it is simply that from a developmental stand point, it is not their natural inclination.

In addition this behavior is part of the dog eat dog world in which tweens find themselves. Everyone wants to be top dog and sometimes this means climbing over others to get there. Relax, I do not mean literally.

Not long ago I dropped my own child off on her first day of Middle School. While I held it together for her, I burst out crying as I drove away. Although as a child psychologist I have much insight into the ups and downs of the Middle School experience, I did not cry because I felt bad, nervous or upset for her. No, in reality it was all about me! My baby was growing up. The poise and confidence with which she strode into that school reassured me that she would indeed be able to negotiate this new situation.

In reality, the tween years are the wonder years. While they are filled with ups and downs victories and defeats, they are an incredible period of physical, emotional, and social development. When tweens grow into teens and move on to their high school years, they are not the same children you sent off to middle school. Savor every moment, and most of all enjoy the madness, in the blink of an eye they will be all grown up!

From Tomboy to Fashionista: Understanding your Tween’s ‘Will NOT Wear’ List

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In reality you gave up trying to buy her clothes on your own years ago. Who could forget the trauma it caused you when she cried for hours because she had to wear a dress to a family event? And that was when she was only three! At that point it became clear your daughter favored t-shirts and jeans. And not just any t-shirt the sight of neon pink or green made her gag. Forget unicorns and rainbows while the other girls wore glitter studded tops and skirts, your lovely lady preferred black tees with plaid button down short sleeve over shirts. You resigned yourself that the girly girl you dreamed of dressing would much prefer a basketball than a baton or pom pom. That of course was yesterday. Fast forward to today. As you set out on the yearly back to school clothes shopping pilgrimage you are shocked by what she wants to try on. Isn’t that skirt too short,that top too tight, and those wedges a bit too high?

Oh how you suddenly long for yesterday! ‘Where were you’ you wonder, ‘When your tomboy turned into a fashionista?’ You make a quick note to yourself that those basketball shorts you just bought last week will have to be saved for your son to wear in a couple of years, or maybe your same aged nephew would like them.

Why the sudden change in style, you wonder. It is perplexing to even to try to understand how and when her style changed. Welcome to parenting a tween! Tweenhood is defined by rapid changes in physical, emotional, and even intellectual developmental. Tweenhood marks the beginning of the long journey your child will make toward figuring who she is, who she wants to become, and how she will get there. What she wears on the outside often represents who she is striving to become on the inside.

Tweenhood is like a series of light bulbs many brighten in sequence marking maturity while others flicker and dim as childhood is left behind. This ‘in between’ time is can be confusing for both you and your tween. As she searches for her identity she may try on many personas until she finds that perfect fit. What does this mean in terms of her wardrobe? Well, you should probably focus on the list of things she won’t wear instead of what she will. Not to mention the fact that growth during this period can be so rapid that that pair of pants you purchased for her a few week’s ago, may already be too short.

So she was a tomboy last week, a fashionista this week, and next week, well you will just have to wait and see. Oh, and you may just want to find out the return policy of the store at which you just bought her those clothes.

The Makeup dilemma: She may be ready to wear it but you’re not

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Wasn’t it yesterday when your daughter didn’t even want to get her face painted at the carnival because it scared her? In a flash, she is immersed in the world of fashion. She has traded in her ‘National Geographic Kids Magazine’ for a subscription to ‘Seventeen’ although she is only 13.

If you are lucky, your daughter has made it to high school without showing an interest in fashion or make-up.  Just as development during the tween to early teen years tends to vary greatly from individual to individual so do more mature interests in appearance and the affairs of the outside world.

This can make the makeup dilemma even more difficult. What age is too early? The answer to this question relies on several factors. If your daughter does show an early interest in makeup dealing with this issue can be quite difficult. So, what do you do? Here are some thoughts and guidelines to help you determine how you want to handle the issue:

1.)    Go with your gut but offer an explanation. If you have strong feelings against her wearing makeup it is important to discuss your reasoning with your child. She doesn’t have to agree with your concerns but by discussing the issue with her you are at least acknowledging that you respect her enough to offer an explanation.

2.)    Look to school policies for a guide. Many Middle Schools (and even some High Schools) for example, clearly prohibit the wearing of makeup during school hours.

3.)    There is room for compromise. There is a big difference between wearing a little massacre and blush versus full-face makeup. If you are willing to let your daughter use makeup, discuss what  types of products and how much.

4.)    Help her learn how to do it right. Learning how to correctly apply makeup is indeed an art, hence the term ‘makeup artist.’ Take her to the makeup counter at your local department store so she can learn how to appropriately apply makeup. Even resources such as You Tube offer some good demonstrations on this fine art.

5.)    Regardless of whether you are allowing her to wear makeup or not, rules regarding this issue are a must. If for example, you are prohibiting her, make sure she knows the consequences if she disobeys you. If you are okay with her wearing makeup, create clear guidelines which define what you mean.

Making the decision about makeup can be difficult. This is especially true if your daughter has developed early. Physical development does not necessarily correlate with emotional or intellectual development. Your young daughter may want to look like the heroine in her favorite television show but does she truly understand how she appears to the outside world? In general early developing girls are more prone to depression and self-esteem issues. This can be especially difficult if they dress and act beyond their years. While they may be able to sport the look, they are often ill prepared to manage the reactions of the world at large especially the attention of older boys and men. This can lead to confusion, misunderstanding, and in some cases dangerous situations for these young girls.

Making the makeup decision is just one more rite of passage as a parent. Remember, while you may not be ready for your little girl to grow up, she will do it anyway. Communication is the key to ensuring that even if your daughter does not agree with your decision at least she will understand your reasoning.