Confessions of a Nag

Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I am a nag. I am not proud of this fact. This is not a role I ever aspired to achieve, in fact, quite the contrary. I remember back to my own tween and teen years. I made a promise to myself that when I became a mom, I would never nag my children. I can still hear my own mother’s words ringing in my ears “Put your clothes away, do your homework, clear the table….”

What I did not know then, but have come to realize as a parent myself is that nagging can be an addictive habit. In a perfect world, you could tell your children to do something once and voila, like magic they would run to do what you asked.

The reality is however, that just because you cannot tolerate their clothes on the floor or their homework waiting to be done, doesn’t mean they see it the same way.

A common quandary I have is whether they would do what I ask them to do if I did not nag. Would the clothes get picked up and the homework be completed on time? And, if it did not, would the consequences of their actions or lack there of, encourage them to complete these tasks in the future? The problem is that as their parent, I am not sure I am willing or able to tolerate the consequences they would receive if they do not. Of course the irony here is that as their parent, I am also the purveyor of the consequences. While I am not good at holding my tongue, I am consistently consistent with implementing consequences. Which I can honestly say is often quite effective.

With that said then, one would imagine I would have no need to nag. I have realized however, that it is a habit that has become compulsive. I nag not because it motivates them to complete the task, but because it relieves the distress and anxiety I am experiencing in the moment at the thought that they won’t follow through.

I do not recommend nagging. When I hear myself nag, I actually become annoyed. Nagging is not necessary, but the truth be told, sometimes, it feels like the only way to get things done.

Kindness Can Be Catchy

Image courtesy of David Castillo/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In the wake of a tragedy it is natural to feel as if the world is full of doom and gloom. When we step back for a moment however, we can clearly see the acts of kindness, support and caring that characterize the human spirit in even the worst of circumstances. From the ashes of 911, through the broken shards at Sandy Hook, and the smoke filled skies of Boston, some amazing examples of stepping up, stepping in and even paying it forward are reflected.

As parents it is important to emphasize the good and glory that can come from the shadows of our darkest days. We can teach our children the importance of kindness and caring.

We watch with heartfelt tears as heroes emerge from tragedy in the form of first responders and concerned citizens. Kindness and caring know no bounds. The impact of Random acts of kindness regardless of how small can have a great impact. In turn such kindness can grow exponentially.

When we model compassion and kindness our children learn an important lesson. We teach our children that it is not only important but also essential to reach out to our neighbors, friends acquaintances and even strangers. Apathy breed’s sadness and isolation while kindness grows compassion and camaraderie.

Altruism is defined as an act committed for which there is no personal gain; it is a demonstration of kindness and caring for which we gain nothing personally except the satisfaction of knowing we helped another in need.

From altruism the concept of ‘paying it forward’ is borne. And while the idea of paying back the receipt of a random act of kindness with a promise of offering kindness to another may seem like a fantasy, the concept is not only conceivable but possible.

Kindness can indeed be catchy. It all starts with a promise, a commitment of sorts. So here is the proposal: commit yourself and children to carrying out one act of kindness a week. Request that the person who receives your kindness pay it back by paying it forward. In time we can prove that kindness is not only catchy but it can go viral.   Kindness should be a constant in our lives and in our world.

Our children are entrusted with securing the future. As their parents we impact the course they choose in great part by modeling the values and concerns, which help, define how they see the world. When we practice kindness, caring and compassion we send the message that even in the darkest hours hope shines bright in the form of the human spirit.

Did I Really Just Say That

Image courtesy of photostock/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

We all know the golden rule “practice what you preach.” When it comes to our kids it is probably the most important one to follow. Kids are like sponges, they learn by absorbing the things they see and hear around them. As parents we are the greatest contributors to what they take in. Yes, what we say and do in their presence really does matter.

There is of course the small fact that we are human and as such sometimes make mistakes. We do the wrong thing and say the wrong thing.  When we say the wrong thing around our children age and individual development has much to do with how they will take it. Older kids, teens, are able to better process and understand that sometimes we just mess up. Younger kids tend to take things more literal. Their concrete perspectives tend to accept what we say on face value. When we make such a misstep with our tweens around however, we can never really be sure how they will perceive what we have said. In fact at different times they may interpret the same verbalizations differently.

Regardless of how your kids interpret what you have said there is always room for recovery. No, once it is out there you can’t turn back time and take it back. You can however, retract what you have said, and in reality this is the best way to deal with such a situations. Your tween probably perceives you as his superhero. He looks to you for guidance and direction.

While your natural inclination may be to just pretend you didn’t say it, that just simply won’t suffice. You know what you said, he heard it, so it is important to deal with it. Remember, how you recover from what should have been a ‘bleep’ also teaches your tween a lesson.

How you handle the situation will depend on what you said and how. If your verbal infraction was an inappropriate word or phrase that slipped out in the moment, a simple retraction will suffice. ”Oops, I shouldn’t have said that, sorry.” If you said something directly to your tween that you wish you could take back, a sincere apology is important. Tween self-esteem is vulnerable as it is, so it is important that you quickly and carefully take back what you said or at least how you said it.

An apology can go a long way with you tween. You teach her that even superheroes make mistakes.

The take away message here is simple, be mindful of your p’s and q’s. If you blurt something out you wish you could take back talk to your tween, apologize. If sometime in the future you hear him say something similar re-direct him and remind him that what he has said is not okay. It’s not what you say it’s how you handle it that will matter the most in the end.

On Parenting a Tween

Image courtesy of sattva / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

To say that parenting a tween is hard work is probably an understatement. I would in fact venture to say it is at times seemingly impossible. Let’s be clear that although it is indeed a challenging task, it is one full of joy, excitement and unpredictability. One minute she seems mature beyond her years, in a flash however, she seems so young and naïve. He can seem so convincing and confident one moment, and so vulnerable and lost the next.

There’s a good reason this in between stage only lasts a few years. I am not sure many could handle the uncertainty, confusion and often chaos that accompanies parenting kids at this stage for too long.

The tween years are all about growing up and moving forward. Physically tweens are faced with bodies that are growing and developing quickly. It truly is a mind/body experience. Emotionally tweens are awakened to new thoughts and feelings about themselves and those around them. They are sensitive and egocentric, self-focused and unsure. One moment they can be critical and even cruel while the next they are concerned and caring. They worry about what they say, how they look, what they know and most importantly what others think about them. They negotiate their lives with simple goals such as how to avoid shame and embarrassment.

Tweens are known to be silly and sensitive. The child in them can laugh at the most mundane things while the teen in them scoffs at you with an attitude. No, you are not funny, you are embarrassing!

Yup, it can be tough to be the parent of a tween but it can also be wonderful and even weird. At moments when you least expect it the child in her reaches out for a reassuring hug or a pat on the back. What you say and think about him still matters greatly even at a time when he may seem like he is pulling away from you and moving toward his peers.

Parenting a tween may not always be easy but it is rewarding and fun. Your sweet and sour child is transforming in front of your eyes. Before you know it, he will be begging for the car keys, for now, enjoy the ride.

Crushes & Candy: Tweens & Valentine's Day

www.freedigitalphotos.netAs our children grow into tweens it is hard to know where we should draw the line between treating them too much like children and expecting what we would our teens. Holidays such as Valentine’s Day provide an opportunity for us to demonstrate our love and affection. Few tweens I know would turn away a card filled with heartwarming sentiments and/or a box of candy or a bouquet of flowers.

Valentine’s Day is one of those rare occasions when it is hard to know what your tween will expect. For some tweens V-Day is about celebrating friendships and talking about crushes. Other tweens may experience V-Day as an opportunity to feel giddy or even crushed when a crush doesn’t acknowledge let alone return a heart felt sentiment. In some schools there are opportunities to send notes, candy or even flowers on V-Day as a fundraiser. The competition can become fierce as friends challenge each other to receive the most Valentines. Of course the true winners on Valentine’s Day are the few tweens who receive validation via Valentine from a romantic interest.

It is hard to believe our kids are growing up. Wasn’t it yesterday that Valentine’s Day was all about the love they received from us? They are way too young to think about romance aren’t they?

Tweenhood marks the beginning of many phases for our children. As they take their first steps in search of identity, they begin to think about who they are, who they want to be and who they will be. They begin to look outside of their immediate circles of family and friends and think about the world at large.

It is during the tween years that kids transition and mature. Perhaps what is most amazing and at times daunting is that each child seems to grow and change at their own pace, the ‘norm’ is not only vague but varies from tween to tween. While one tween maybe thinking about a classroom crush, another is ten steps behind focused on pleasing friends and parents. 

It is indeed holidays such as Valentine’s Day that prove to highlight the differences among our tweens. As parents our job is to provide acceptance and support. Thankfully it is during the tween years that our kids continues to turn to directly to us to lead the way. Treasure these years. Before you know it yours will be a full fledged teen focused on moving forward and breaking away.